Hauling Myself

Aly Stealey

The novelty of an again

Wears off

With the liquor,

As the ticker tape reappears behind my eyes

Maybe north, maybe not, maybe north, maybe not,

Terry terry terry terry,

Stealing more, never gave, stealing more,

Remember Dave?

going-insane impatience sets in,

I walk

To escape

The ticker tape

And I remember

The month I discovered

double entendres

and how I delighted in them,

how they made him smile,

and how they made me feel older,

more in-the-know,

experienced, complete with scarred heart

and sharp wit,

(or so I thought)

I was tough for the first time.

And I remember

the day I discovered

my heart was actually fucking bleeding,

(forget, block out,

think away from everything in-between)

and how finally, I rallied the cells to scab,

And now sustain

actual authentic really real scarring.

And it doesn't feel so good.

I don't feel better or like I've grown up or

finally arrived on the long coveted side.

I feel dirty.

So that every time I see him

Or pretend the possibility of an again,

I pavlovianly respond,

I get piss-drunk

and puke.

At which time

The ticker tape ticks on.