DOGGY
Okay, Mr. ROIDS!
BOLF
Kick
ass, G!
BAD ONE
You’re
the best... the FUCKING best!
D-MONEY
What? Oh yeah, just because I win a hand...
BOLF
I
said, KICK IT!
D-MONEY
(to BOLF)
I’m
sorry, Master. Bad One must have misdealt and
given me your hand. I swear it’ll never
happen again.
BAD ONE
Forgive
me, Bolf. I’m not very coordinated, you
know.
BOLF
Have
we forgotten who just won and kicked all of our asses?
D-MONEY
Um,
Master?
BOLF
What,
Money?
D-MONEY
Would
you like my meager winnings? I know it’s
not much compared to your stash, but it’s all I’ve got. Please, Master.
DOGGY
Maybe
we shouldn’t ante next game. We’ll
just tithe directly to the Great One here.
BOLF
Yeah,
great. Jesus, let’s just play... It’s my deal.
BAD ONE
And
so we shall.
DOGGY
And
so we must.
D-MONEY
COMMAND
US, LORD!
BOLF
Ante
up. We’re playing Black Mariah.
BAD ONE
Wait... Mariah or Myrnt-iah?
BOLF
Mariah. High spade in the hole splits.
BAD ONE
As
you wish.
Pennies are tossed into the middle of the table from
all sides except DOGGY’s.
DOGGY
Sir?
BOLF
(silent)
DOGGY
(throwing in his penny)
Sir? I just wanted to say... thank you. Please
teach us more about the gambling arts.
BAD ONE
(rising up to bow)
Yes,
thank you.
D-MONEY
Fill
our little heads with knowledge!
BOLF deals 2 down, 1 up.
DOGGY
Whatever
happened to the nudie cards? I want the
nudies!
BOLF
You
don’t want the nudies. No one here wants
the nudies. I threw them out... Those were the ugliest women I’ve ever seen.
D-MONEY
Especially
the face cards. I’m still scarred from
looking at Ms. Poodle Hair... What was she,
the Ace of Hearts?
DOGGY
I’m
sorry, Money, but I wouldn’t know—I don’t get aces. Those
are reserved for you. Twos and threes are good enough for me... I’d cream my jeans if I got a Ten of Clubs.
BOLF
You’re
not wearing jeans.
D-MONEY
Thank
God.
BAD ONE
(examining his hole cards)
Cooz...
BOLF
Don’t
say cooz, Bad One. Pretty please.
D-MONEY
COOZ
JUICE! COOZ JUICE!
BOLF
Why
are you guys so bad?
DOGGY
(putting in 2 pennies)
Raise
two dimes.
BAD ONE
I’m
out...
DOGGY
Bad
One! You can’t fold already! The pot’s going to be split... We can’t play with 3 people.
D-MONEY
This
sucks... Hold on a minute. I’m going to get more beeyah.
BOLF
Bad
One, c’mon, stay in... I’ll spot
you a buck or something.
BAD ONE
(leaving to go to his room)
Don’t
worry, gents—I’ll be right back and you can take all my money then. I have to go get something.
DOGGY
Oh
no.
D-MONEY
(from the kitchen)
Doggy,
is this your Cockthorn in the fridge?
DOGGY
Yes,
indeedy. Can you bring it in?
D-MONEY
Okay... Bolf, can I have one of your beers?
BOLF
Go
ahead. Bring me one too.
D-MONEY re-enters and distributes the alcohol before
sitting back down.
BOLF
All
right—D-Money, are you in?
D-MONEY
(tossing his cards into the middle)
Nope. I just can’t compete.
BOLF
This
is ridiculous. Money, you don’t even
know what you’re going to have... you’ve
only got 3 cards so far.
D-MONEY
Ah,
but I know that yours will be better, Master.
DOGGY
That’s
it, no more pot-splitting games!
BOLF
(adding his 2 pennies)
Do
we continue this farce or should we just split the pot now?
DOGGY
I
think we should put it on the slab.
BOLF
You
really want to keep going? You got the ace
under there?
DOGGY
No,
I don’t mean cards...
DOGGY slowly gets up and pushes his crotch against the
table top, fingering his zipper.
DOGGY
(pointing to Bolf)
On
the slab!
BOLF
Not
this again...
D-MONEY
I
don’t even have a dick.
DOGGY
ON
THE SLAB! COUNT OF THREE!
D-MONEY
Tell
me... what’s it like having balls?
BOLF
You’re
not going to do this.
DOGGY
(pretending to whip it out and flop it onto the table)
True... Yeah, let’s just split it.
D-MONEY
Oh
God, look at Bad One.
DOGGY
Bad
One, NO!
BOLF
That
is truly bad.
BAD ONE
What’s
the matter? I’m not being bad. They help me see.
DOGGY
Bad
One, those fucking lab glasses do NOT help you see!
BAD ONE
They
help me see what I want to see... Now, where
were we?
BOLF
Do
you have to wear the lab coat, too? You look
like a freak.
BAD ONE
I
am a freak, Bolf... This is what you’ve driven me to. I’m the Elephant Man.
BOLF
You’re
not the Elephant Man.
BAD ONE
D-Money,
he won’t even let me be the Elephant Man...
D-MONEY
That’s
because I’m the fucking Elephant Man! I better go shield my hideous face...
DOGGY
(getting up)
Well
then, I’m changing too.
BOLF
Guys,
come back. This is WAY TOO BAD!
BAD ONE
Money’s
going to wear the laundry basket again...
BOLF
I
know. Please take those stupid glasses off.
BAD ONE
But
it’s so bright in here...
BOLF
Why
does everyone have to get so rasty when we play cards?
BAD ONE
It’s
always like this. We’re just bad people.
D-MONEY re-enters, wearing his inverted plastic laundry
basket as a helmet.
DOGGY re-enters, a pair of his boxer shorts pulled down
over his head.
DOGGY
OK,
we’re ready.
D-MONEY
Let’s
play some cards.
BAD ONE
You
guys are the bad ones. Not me.
BOLF
Fine,
let’s play. Doggy, your deal.
DOGGY
(chugging his oversized bottle of hard cider through one of the leg
holes)
Sure
thing. I think some Day Baseball is in
order. Antes, everyone.
D-MONEY
(mashing his lips up against the plastic webbing of the laundry
basket)
Chafeball
chafes my fucking chafe...
DOGGY
Bad
One, get away from me.
BAD ONE
(his face inches from DOGGY’s)
Kick... ass... KICK
ASS, DOGGY!
DOGGY deals the cards.
BAD ONE
Please kick it.
D-MONEY
Oh,
this is a great hand. Now that’s just me.
I’m sorry, cards... It’s not
your fault you’re stuck with such a loser. Maybe next hand you’ll get dealt to someone
who at least has a chance...
BOLF
Now
he’s apologizing to the cards...
D-MONEY
WHO
AT LEAST HAS A CHANCE!
DOGGY
Oh,
look at that... Bolf gets a wild card. What a surprise.
BAD ONE
(with the Queen of Spades showing)
Well,
Doggy gave me the Bitch. I guess I’m
just his bitch.
DOGGY
D-Money’s
the one with the bitches...
DOGGY
(singing)
Deeeeeee
Mon-ey / the bitches think it’s fun-ny...
BOLF
Why
is it so funny, Mugney? Why is it so fucking funny?
all three
(singing)
Deeeeeee
Mon-ey / the bitches think it’s fun-ny!
D-MONEY gets up and starts flailing his arms and legs
about while twisting around in a circle, the laundry basket barely staying on his head
from the furious spastic movements.
BAD ONE
Uh
oh, Doggy, you made him do the forbidden dance.
BOLF
A
pure roids rage. That’s what happens
when you’ve got the highest testosterone levels on the planet... The man’s got to let off some steam from time
to time.
D-MONEY
Aw-aw-REE! Aw-aw-aw-REE REE!
DOGGY
See,
this is what gets the chicks. Only he can
perform a mating dance with such intricate polyrhythms.
BAD ONE
What
are chicks? I’ve never seen them before.
DOGGY
That’s
because Money’s got them all in his room!
BOLF
D-Money,
teach us about the ladies.
D-MONEY
Aw-aw-REE! Aw-aw-aw-REE REE REE!
DOGGY
They’re
all in his room, panties sopping as they wait for him to come back and give them the dick!
D-MONEY
(still dancing)
JIZZ! JIZZ ON THE CEILING!
BAD ONE
That’s
bad! Why
is he so bad?
BOLF
We
better let D-Money win or the bitches will be pissed!
BAD ONE
They’re
already pissed.
Because he’s here playing cards with us instead of pleasuring them.
DOGGY
That’s
right! Like I told you before, I saw that
graffiti on the sidewalk on the way here: Women
Are Pissed...
D-MONEY
(slowing down and recovering his balance)
Stalactites
of jim jismy jasm...
BAD ONE
Please
don’t let the ninja bitches kill us, D-Money!
D-MONEY
(sitting back down)
I
want more beer.
DOGGY
If
we get you some beer, will you spare us the wrath of your ninja bitches?
D-MONEY
Nope.
DOGGY
SEE! He’s the best!
Listen to that! That’s what a MAN
sounds like: steely, uncompromising!
BOLF
And
you had the insolence to suggest that he spare our lives!
BAD ONE
We
deserve to be felled by their crossbow bolts!
BOLF
Did
you hear that sound? I think they’re
preparing an assault on the house!
DOGGY
There’s
a bare-breasted mob outside our door! And all
because we borrowed their D-Money for the briefest of times!
D-MONEY
Bolf,
give me another of those beers.
BOLF
(saluting before leaving for the kitchen)
Yes,
Sir! And so I shall!
BAD ONE
And
so he must.
DOGGY
I
just hope to glimpse one of D-Money’s gorgeous, buxom ladies as they slit my throat
in vengeance... as close as I’ll ever
get to sex... Is that too much to ask, O
Gracious Money?
D-MONEY
You’re the Money Man! Take it to the rack, baybay...
DOGGY
You
must be joking.
BAD ONE
Sure,
Doggy, I heard how much ass you kicked playing ball today... calling Jason Kidd a bitch and everything... I heard he quit the team because of you.
BOLF
(returning with a mug full of beer)
Sir,
I took the liberty of pouring your drink. May
I get you anything else?
D-MONEY
I
don’t know... Doggy, am I allowed to
drink this beer? I know I’m SHIT and I
FUCKED EVERYTHING UP for our intramural team today but please—have mercy.
DOGGY
Yeah,
you only scored most of the points like always, dillsnatch.
D-MONEY
That’s
me: A BALL HOG! THE BLACK HOLE!
Give me the ball and it never comes back out!
I don’t know how to pass...
DOGGY
Don’t
apologize for being money. You can’t
help it if you can’t miss! I’ve never made a shot in my life.
BOLF
Are
we going to finish our game?
D-MONEY
Teach
me how to pass, Doggy!
DOGGY
I
tried to shoot once. ONCE. That’s
when you packed my shit so bad that I just shat myself and said, I’m done.
D-MONEY
You
don’t have to shoot to score. That’s just how roided you are! See, you’re not selfish like me... I put the “I” in “team.” Look at that, I can’t even spell!
DOGGY
Look
at me—I’ve got my little panties on my head!
I don’t know anything about manly sports!
BAD ONE
At
least you’ve seen panties before...
D-MONEY
Cooz.
DOGGY
Why
do you always have to say cooz?
D-MONEY
Cooz
juice!
BAD ONE
He’s
being bad again...
DOGGY
You’re
the bad one.
BAD ONE
What? I’m not being bad!
BOLF
Oh,
you’re bad all right. Remember hockey?
D-MONEY
Bad... The Rasty One.
BAD ONE
Well,
I’m only rasty because you say I’m
rasty!
BOLF
I
think he should get the hat.
BAD ONE
You
can’t give me the hat! I didn’t do anything! You
guys are the bad ones!
D-MONEY
He
deserves the hat.
DOGGY
I
think we have a unanimous decision in favor of the hat, gentlemen. Would you care to do the honors, Bolf?
BAD ONE
If
you give me the hat, I’m going to be rasty forever.
Give D-Money the hat.
BOLF solemnly takes off his baseball cap.
DOGGY
Ice
CUBE’ll slap a Bad One for the FUCK of it...
BAD ONE
Well,
that’s me. I’m just done.
BOLF
...Just
like ME and that’s some REAL shit.
BOLF finishes the ritual by bringing the hat down with
a whomp onto the top of BAD ONE’s head.
BAD ONE
(unflinching)
Thank
you, sir... may I have another?
DOGGY
(to D-MONEY)
Did
you hear how bad he was in our Sega match earlier?
D-MONEY
Bolf
told me he went over the edge and fed you stats. What
was the final again? 15-1?
DOGGY
Yep. He pulled his goalie in the second period.
BAD ONE
I
wasn’t giving up! I thought it was a
viable strategy...
BOLF
Oh
God, he’s rewriting history again.
BAD ONE
Well,
maybe it wasn’t such a good idea. That shows you what I know. I’m
going to get fired midseason. That’s me,
always letting down the team... My guys gave
110% but ol’ Coach here let them down with his fucked-up strategies!
BOLF
Your
“guys” are pixels on the screen...
BAD ONE
They’re
more manly than I’ll ever be! And
they’re going to mutiny and lynch their coach. It’ll
be the first time it’s ever happened. The
NHL will be disgraced! America will be
disgraced! The Canadians will try to
assassinate my family! All because I’m
such a dumb ass that I don’t even know that the goalie’s supposed to stay in the fucking net!
DOGGY
Money,
what’s your bet?
D-MONEY
(rapping the table with his knuckles)
I
pass.
DOGGY
Bad
One?
BAD ONE
(pushing his remaining stacks of pennies into the pot)
I
bet it all.
BOLF
Here
we go...
DOGGY
Why
are you being so rasty?
BAD ONE
That’s
exactly $4.40 to you, Bolf.
BOLF
(matching)
Fine. I’m in.
DOGGY
(folding)
I’m
no high roller. I’ll just watch and
learn and see how grown men play.
D-MONEY
Well,
then, I see your $4.40 and I raise it $5...
DOGGY
Look
at that stone face!
BAD ONE
The
master of the bluff...
BOLF
Don’t
insult him!
That would be saying that his hand isn’t naturally better than everyone
else’s! You better take it back, Bad
One!
BAD ONE
I’m
sorry, D-Money. Oh man, now I’m gonna get it... I’m gonna learn who’s BOSS!
DOGGY
So
are you in?
BAD ONE
(looking in his wallet)
Well,
I guess it’s checkbook time! That’s
OK, because I don’t deserve to have money. I
don’t need to eat... Take it! Take it all!
BAD ONE fetches his checkbook, quickly scrawls out a
check for $5, and plops it on top of the jumble of pennies.
BOLF
Not
the checkbook again... Why does this always
happen? D-Money, why are you the best?
BAD ONE
I
already put your name on it, D-Money... No
offense, Bolf, but he’s MONEY IN THE BANK!
DOGGY
(dealing the second up card)
All
right, here we go.
BOLF
Well,
there it is! The wild card for D-Money! Ah, and it’ll be shit for me! Of course...
I should have known.
DOGGY
Look
at that. The Money Man doesn’t fuck
around. Thank you for the lesson, Master.
BAD ONE
I
fold.
DOGGY
Bad
One! I haven’t even dealt your card
yet!
BAD ONE
That’s
OK, I’ve seen what happens when someone goes toe-to-toe with the Money Man... It’s not a pretty sight! I’m getting off easy...
BOLF
Well,
I fold too... I’m not man enough to make
my own decisions. I just do whatever Bad One
does.
DOGGY
Well,
I guess that’s it, huh?
BAD ONE
(taking off his lab glasses)
I’m
done. Mr. Money ended my career for good. I’m done with everything... I’m actually dead now... YOU KILLED ME, D-MONEY!
D-MONEY
(silent)
BAD ONE
Thank you...
D-MONEY
(corralling the pot)
Gents,
it was a pleasure...
BOLF
Would
you look at that rake!
DOGGY
He’s
saying, “Bitch, that’s my money!”
BAD ONE
Rake
it in, baby!
DOGGY
He’s
still taunting us with that laundry basket on his head.
He’s saying, “Punks—I just cleaned you out like yesterday’s wash!”
BOLF
I
don’t think we need to bother cashing out. Here,
D-Money, take it all! All the money in the
hat! It was always your money, anyway. You’re
my pimp!
BAD ONE
(heading for the porch)
I
need a smoke.
BOLF
We
should go on a beer run before it’s too late.
D-MONEY
(tossing the basket into the corner)
I’ll
spring for a round of forties.
DOGGY
Okay,
the drawers are coming off...
BOLF
What?!
DOGGY
Relax... the ones on my head.
D-MONEY
We’ve
been so bad tonight. We should make a pact to be good. To walk in the light.
BOLF
Yes,
the light is good.
DOGGY
We
really should act better.
BAD ONE
(bursting back into the room)
Look
at that! I’m out of cigarettes! I can’t even smoke right! I’m
the FUCK-ing worst! THAT’S ME!
