Freaky Love
Chris Ringler

"Jesus fuckin' Christ, Franny, ya could feed a small country with all that shit on yer plate, no wonder yer so fat..."

"Mr. Ericks, watch the mouth..."

"Sorry, Ms. Yuponer, I watched an 'R' rated movie last night and it seems to have had an adverse effect on me."

"Come on fat-fanny-Franny, lunch is only a half an hour and we wanna eat..."

"Yeah..."

"...why not just get a spoon and eat this shit as you walk by it?"

"And could I get a salad, and um...that piece of pie...no, never mind, this, this is fine."

"Hey everybody, Fanny got a salad, she must be on a diet..."

"Yeah, SeaWorld has a weight limit for their whales ya know..."

"Is your mouth ever closed Fanny?"

"I dunno Abe, are yer mom's legs ever closed?"

"Huh? What did you say you fat ass bitch?"

Franny turned to face Abe but didn't turn fast enough and his hands slithered around her waist and under her lunch tray and shot it skyward. It somersaulted in mid-air for what seemed like days and then plummeted to the checkerboard lunchroom floor, spraying Franny with its contents as it went. The new dress she had saved three months of allowance for turned from white to mashed potato and gravy brown. Her tray bounced off the floor and the entire cafeteria was silent, like the time Bennie had farted in class that one time. But the silence didn't last long as there came at first a small giggle, and then another and another until it caught like lice and Franny was finally painted red with the thunderous tidal waves of laughter that smashed into her. There were no more faces but just wide open mouths as if three hundred fish had all been caught and brought unwillingly to the world above the seas. But there was one face amongst the yawning maws, and his face mirrored that of Franny as her eyes squinted and fell into their sockets and her hands balled into fists and began clubbing her thighs. Her body burned from within and every laugh was another log thrown onto that fire. Abe was doubled over with laughter and pushed Franny forward. Tears broke from the cover of her eyelids and ran madly down her face to mix with the dollops of potato-gravy and the day's meat. Franny spun around and launched her left fist into Abe's stomach and all was quiet again. Abe doubled up again but this time his grimace was one of pain. He fell to his knees and proceeded to vomit the three Twinkies he had had for breakfast onto Tommy Paxto's new Keds. And this time instead of laughs there was a chorus of 'Ewwww's. Save the one boy who grinned to himself as the lunch line retreated from the upchuck tide that moved like the Blob towards them with a seemingly malevolent force. Franny's face lightened an instant as this happened but she felt no better for what she had done. And as she watched Abe puke she regretted it and just wanted to be home again and under the covers, away from all these jerks. A leaden hand fell on Franny's shoulder and she psychically knew who it was before her eyes were even on his pea green tie.

"Ms. Slepiski, what do you think you just did? We do not punch people. Come with me..." Mr. Ertomyer clamped onto Franny's arm and began pulling her out of the cafeteria. Tears began abandoning ship as a sound worse than the laughter began, a sound like corduroy clad legs brushing together, and all the heads came together conspiratorially and mused over how many whacks of the paddle she would get. But again, there was one face that hung heavy as she was led away by the principal and as Abe was pulled to his feet and escorted to the infirmary by the nurse.

Shorshank Hawkins pulled his napkin off his lap and placed it as a funerary shroud atop his plate and the half-eaten food beneath it. He absently wiped away the few tears that had escaped him with a sleeve and stood up. He walked over to the trash bin and dumped his tray in and made his way for the exit, hoping deep within, deeper than his longings for Franny and his fear of bugs and his fear of his brother Yorich, deepest of all there was the dark glimmer of hope that today he would be left alone. Just once.

He made it.

Almost.

As he passed the remnants of the lunch line and entered the hall he breathed a deep sigh of relief and looked up, knowing he was safe now. He wasn't. There, as a fleshy roadblock, stood Gerris Werestinker the closest thing to a friend Abe had, and he didn't look happy. More like a giant smooshy version of one of them Easter Island statues. Poop.

"What's that smug on yer face, faggot? Huh? Mommy tickle yer little pink asshole today when she was givin' ya a bath? Huh? Or is it that you liked seein' Abe pukin' up all over in there? Is that it...faggot?"

Shorshank made a move to go around Gerris, hoping to get away with only a Hurts-Donit, but Gerris matched his move exactly. Gerris glanced over his shoulder and saw no one in the hallway and then grinned to Shorshank. Shorshank grinned back thinking maybe he was all wrong about Gerris after all, but just as this thought slipped through his mind Gerris balled up his fist and punched him in his privates. And this time it was Shroshank's lunch that wanted to take the express elevator to the surface but he managed to keep it down, well, all but an acid tinged belch. His vision blurred and he fell sideways into the lockers standing silent watch for Gerris. He tried to speak but the words slipped from his mouth and were lost in the ceiling tiles like malicious balloons. Gerris hovered over him, a menacing closet-monster with his red-rimmed eyes and prematurely bald head. He leaned in close to Shorshank, his breath a thick fog of bean soup, and his grin widened.

"You like that fat bitch, dontcha? That's what this is, you've got a hardon for her and Abe messed with her. Haw. So the faggot's got a crush. Haw. I guess Abe might wanna know that, haw. See ya later, SureStank."

Shorshank tried to think of something to say but Gerris was off down the hall before anything came to him, so he just bent there and ached. He pulled his inhaler out and took a great gulp and put it away, his breath slowly returning to normal. The bell began screaming just above his ear and the halls filled with kids on their way to fourth period. He felt himself blushing. He straightened himself and made his way slowly down the hall and to the eighth grade locker section, but it was hard. His head was plagued with thunder and far below there was lightning. His privates throbbed with every step and fear cut its way through his mind, fear that he had suffered permanent damage and he would never be able to do 'It' some day when he was married. So it was with a heavy heart, and, well, heavy other parts that he went to his Algebra class, the shadows of Gerris and his words lurking not far behind.

"So, Ms. Slepinski, what made you think you had the right to punch Abraham? Were you watching something violent on the television last night? Did he take cuts? What was it? Or is it as he says, and you are just a bully who likes to hit people, unprovoked..."

"No. No, it wasn't...it wasn't like that. I...he..."

"Well, I am waiting Ms. Slepinski, waiting patiently, but my patience is wearing thin quickly." He stood and walked over the The Wall. The Wall was where principal Ertomyer kept The Big Three, his three trusty paddles, each one more sinister than the last until you reached the third and final paddle - Capital Punishment. Not many had actually had to face the Capital Punishment, most got the Truth, the second paddle, but Franny had a bad feeling as Mr. Ertomyer ran his hands over the surface of Capital Punishment, his fingers dipping into the divots where the holes had been drilled through. He turned and faced her again and she brought her eyes up to his chest, but it was awful hard not to stare at the paddles, waiting there and watching with deviant glee.

"So, what did happen, Ms. Slepinski? Hmmmm? We are waiting..." We, there he said it, we, we as in me and the paddles we.

"Uh..."

"Well..."

"It wasn't my fault, really. He, he was..."

"Yes..."

"He called me names, really mean names..."

"Such as..."

"He, he called me fat, fat-fanny...fat-fanny-Franny..."

"Hmmmm, well, to put it bluntly Francine, you are overweight, and I am saying this as your principal and, well, that just isn't a reason to hit a person, so, I am sorry but..." And his hand fell heavy on the eager handle of Capital Punishment. She gulped and looked down at her feet, a ghostly sting already in her flanks. That was when she remembered it, the stains...

"He ruined my new dress, that was why I punched him. He was making fun of me and then he knocked my lunch plate onto my dress. I saved a, a whole summer for this dress. I am sorry I did it, but I was very upset."

"Hmmmm. This changes things a bit doesn't it? You say he pushed the plate so it got on your new dress there, is that it? You're sure it wasn't an accident, I mean accidents do happen. You're sure it was a malicious act?"

"Yes sir, very sure."

"Well, that's something different now isn't it? And it ruined such a, uh, pretty dress. But..." He let loose of Capital Punishment and Truth took its place in his grip. He hefted it, feeling its weight in his hand and a slight grin passed over his face like a cloud over the sun but was gone just as fast as it had come and in its place was the stern look that was his trademark, along with the pea green ties. "...but I am afraid you must still get a paddling, I have no choice. You see that don't you? If I don't punish you then everyone will think they can hit each other with no consequences, and we don't want that. No, no indeed..."

Franny's knees shook beneath her dress as he sat down on the wooden stool that was known as the Hot Seat and he slapped his knee as a father would. His look was stern but sad, but beneath that she saw the smile, and it was this image that accompanied her trip to his knee and the flurry that followed it.

The rest of the day's classes went slow for Shorshank, excruciatingly slow in fact. Every fifteen minutes he felt like he had to pee but did his best to limit himself to once every hour for the remaining three classes. He couldn't concentrate on the classes themselves, his mind was otherwise occupied. His privates still throbbed and there was the threat of Gerris and what he thought he knew. But above all that was Franny. He had heard she had been paddled and that it had been Capital Punishment and at this thought he shuddered. And what made it all worse is that he didn't know exactly what he thought about Franny. He had been her science partner during the first semester and she was always willing to help him with all of his math problems and was always nice to him. And almost no one was nice to him, well, except for Bennie, but that was different. He was weird. But Franny, she was, she was... He didn't know, but whenever he saw her he felt all weird and sick and happy, and she wasn't gross like all the other girls. So he stared at his desk, as he always did, and drew little cartoons and ached and waited.

The final bell rang and the weekend had finally come and as everyone around her dashed out of class to get to the buses and home Franny took her time, knowing her sister would be late to pick her up as she always was. She trudged to her locker and was about to spin her combination into place and grab her jacket when she noticed she was wading in someone's shadow. She spun around, expecting it to be Abe, but was surprised to see another face that was sort of familiar. She tilted her head to the side trying to remember who he was when he grinned his buck-toothed grin and she knew then - Shorshank Hawkins.

"Uh, hi, uh Shorshank, right?" Her mind was still awful fuzzy after the paddling and all she could remember of it was that she could swear that Mr. Ertomyer had been laughing the whole time, but that wasn't right, was it? The rest of her day she had spent in the nurse's office, dazed and delirious. The nurse, Ms. Pilok, wanted to send Franny home but Mr. Ertomyer refused to let her call Franny's mom, saying he had to make an example of her. She had wanted to apologize to Abe, set things right with him but all she saw of him was his grin as he left the nurse's office and was escorted away by Gerris. And now she was here, and didn't quite now how exactly she had gotten where she was.

"Uh, yeah, how, uh, how...I heard it was Capital Punishment, are, are..."

"Huh? Oh, no, I only got the Truth, but it got pretty scary for a minute. How'd ya hear that?"

"Oh everybody knows, uh, Abe was spreading it around. he said you were screaming and crying and stuff, um, were ya?"

"No, not that I remember at least, but I think I blacked out for most of it."

"So, um, you're okay and stuff then?"

"Yeah, I feel dizzy, and my butt hurts but other than that I feel okay I guess."

"Um, great. I saw what happened...Abe...Abe's a jerk. I..."

"What am I...faggot?" Shorshank spun around and there was Abe and next to him Gerris and behind them, well, the whole world, or at least all of Jupiter Middle School.

"He ain't no fag, Abe, naw, he's sweet on fat-fanny-Franny, ain't that right, Surestank?" Time was swallowed by a huge whale that wore Abe's missing-toothed grin and Shorshank was now in a nightmare not yet given license. Shorshank looked over to Franny and saw her lower lip quivering and tears welling up in her eyes. He steeled himself to finally stand up to Abe and Gerris once and for all, whatever happened. He faced Abe and opened his mouth -

"Hey...heeee..." But all that seemed to come out was a short wheezing that filled the crammed hallway. Shorshank's eyes grew as large as pie plates and he pulled his inhaler out and took a deep pull from it, his shoulders slumping as his breathing eased.

"Ha. Surestank's sick. Ha. What's the matter wheezy, big bad bullies make you sick?"

"Shut up, just shut up."

"What the fuck did you say lard-ass?"

"I said 'shut up'. No one cares what you say, or what you do. The only reason you're even popular is because everyone is afraid of you, the both of you. Shorshank and I may not be cool like all of you but at least we have self-respect and, and..." And she heard the distant rumble of laughter towards the back of the crowd as Abe mockingly mouthed words at her, his arms shooting up from his sides to fall limp and then do it again.

"...and we ain't fat cows like you neither." Gerris kicked a boot up, its toes still covered with sheep shit from his uncle's farm, and hooked her bag and sent it sprawling. And out came her books, and her pens, and her maxi-pads. Her face burned and she fell to the floor and began gathering her things up, trying to hide the time of the months that lay scattered like bodies at a plane wreck.

"Ha-haw, looky there, she's got napkins fer her cherry syrup. Haw..."

"Shit Gerris, I woulda thought she'd need a table cloth..." And the halls echoing with the laughter of the hyenas surrounding Franny and Shorshank. Shorshank, stunned into action made a fist and swung it at Abe. It struck Abe in the jaw and he fell to his knees, a dribble of blood dripping onto his shirt.

"Thit ma, my theeth, my thuckin' theeth..." Gerris furrowed his mono-brow and sent a nuclear missile at Shorshank's head. Shorshank swiveled to avoid the blow but only managed to put his ear in a perfect position. There was dead silence as Shorshank fell to his knees, his eyes wide, his mouth drooped open, a sliver of blood running out his ear. All was white noise. All of the hyenas were again children and all were running madly for the exits, Gerris among them, as Shorshank and Abe bled and Franny gathered her things. And then it flooded back and there was the shouts of children and of principal Ertomyer as he parted the kids like a dark martyr, arms above his head as all shrank before him.

"What the heck is going on here...I...Shorshank, your ear, son, can you hear me?"

"Uh-huh."

"What, what happened here? And Franny, didn't I already see you once today?"

"Yes sir, it was..."

"It wath them printhipal Erthomyer, they stharted it. I wathn't doin' nothin'"

"I highly doubt that Abe, and where is your associate Gerris? I believe he was involved more like than not. Now what were you saying Fran?"

"It, it was them, I mean Gerris and Abe. They started making fun of Shorshank and me and then, and then..."

"I guess we should discuss this in my office, and maybe I should call some parents. Right, Abe? It's been a while since I saw your grandad. I think we need to talk, he and I..."

So they went, the four of them, Abe in front of principal Ertomyer, mourning his theeth, and Franny and Shorshank walked back a ways. Together.

"So, how is your ear?"

"Ith hurths." And he grinned widely and Franny couldn't suppress the giggle that escaped her. The two heads ahead of them swiveled and Franny and Shorshank did the same, seeking a ghostly laugher.

"Why'd you do that Shorshank? I mean, why'd you hit him?"

"I, he, I dunno..."

"You're weird Shorshank."

"I know that. But so are you."

"Too bad everyone else around here is so damn normal..."

They smiled at each other and entered principal Ertomyer's office. ...chris ringler...8.27.97..."solitude is bliss"...

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