NEW! Advice to the Lovelorn
by The Very Reverend Ezekiel "Zeke" Pinkwater.

The Very Reverend Ezekiel "Zeke" Pinkwater has kindly volunteered to inaugurate 12-Gauge’s advice to the lovelorn.

Dear Reverend,

My boyfriend and I are constantly arguing over cleaning the house. Or rather I nag and he ignores me! When he gets home he always says he’s too tired to clean. And forget about weekends—those are for the "boys" to play football and poker. I love the poor dear to death, but his sloppy ways are turning my home into a pigsty!

Dear Whore,

If I read you correctly, you are currently living in sin with your fellow sinner. The only thing you can do is to pray he makes an honest woman of you through marriage. May God have mercy on your soul and please send me a snapshot of yourself in your undergarments so that I may correctly gauge just what sort of filthy slut you are.

***

Dear Reverend,

I’m a gay man who has had a steady "top" for several years. David is a wonderful, gentle and caring man but he refuses to tell his parents about us. He says it’s because his parents are very conservative but I wonder sometimes if it’s me he’s ashamed of. Our 5^th anniversary is coming up and I’d like to have a big party with both of our families.

Dear Sodomite,

Toping or not, your partner in sodomy has already bought you a one-way ticket on the express train to hell. My suggestion: even if it hurts, throw yourself off the train before it’s too late. Giving up committing acts of unspeakable filth and depravity is a small price to pay if it means not having to suffer eternal damnation.

***

Dear Reverend,

I’m a 12-year old boy who has a crush on this really neat girl. The problem is that Lisa is a year older than me and she only seems to like this big jocky guys in the 10^th grade. What can I do to convince her that I’m mature enough to go out with her?

Dear Would-be-Fornicator

As you grow older you’ll find the world is full of whores who look to ensnare the pure of heart into their snares. What does she do, wear those little bobby sox with bows? Ah, I know them well. I’m going to help you out just this once. I’ve already written to your parents, advising them that you’re stalking this girl and suggesting that they place you in a military school.

Move over Dr. Laura! Reverend Pinkwater is a syndicated columnist whose work appears in reputable publications throughout the country. Also catch his radio show on W12G.