Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Gatorade:
Delight in the Modern Day Santa
A column and illustrations by Ryn Gargulinski
Ryn's Brooklyn Column Archive
To wrench us out of our quagmire of Scrooge-like depression, let us dwell
on something fun and frivolous -- the holidays. This season of tuneful tidings and
towering Tannenbaums can always serve as fun and frivolous (that is, when they are not
depressing us....) So let's take a gander at what Santa in 2002 -- how agreeably he
has kept up with the times.
 First off, kill the milk and
cookies. Unless, of course, you are leaving soy milk and fat-free Entemen's.
The current fitness craze has no bounds and would apply to Santa, the Easter Bunny (what
is he going to do with all those Peeps!?), and even the tooth fairy, who I heard is
currently leaving a bill for YOU to pay if your teeth fall out because you don't take care
of them.
No, don't expect a visit from a laughing obese man. Like it says on a poster at the
gym: "Fat and jolly is over-rated." Besides evoking images of slim and
jolly -- or fat and morose -- the poster reminds us that overweight is also
unhealthy. December 24 is a big night for Santa and he doesn't need a sugar rush
from the cookies, anyway. It would only make him crash later on and perhaps pass out
in some chimney in Queens. Instead of cookies, why not leave a high-energy protein bar,
perhaps of the type my boss keeps in his top desk drawer for the mid-morning munchies.
Before we go any further, we must take it clear that there is no guarantee that Santa will
be a man this year, either. It's equal opportunity everything -- although you still
do not see too many female sanitation workers. But I was gratified to glimpse an
African-American woman decked to the halls in a red Santa suit, ringing a bell for the
Salvation Army.
The costume could definitely be updated. Red felt is garish -- not to mention
chintzy. How about a soothing lamb's wool in a smashing burgundy -- or a cushy mahogany
velvet. Keep the black boots and belt with their snazzy buckles, and the hat can
retain its cute fuzzy ball. We should, however, have hat alternatives -- like a fur
topper, Clockwork Orange bowler or leather cap -- depending on Santa's mood and weather
(sic) or not it's snowing.
The beard can stay (for men), but please trim it so it is less unruly and does not appear
to be infested with rats or lentil soup. On the moustache, shoot for
handlebar. For the younger set of St. Nicks, a chic goatee might work particularly
well, coupled with one of those moustaches you see on depictions of the devil.
The sleigh must also go. Yes, it's nostalgic in a kitschy sort of way, but it is
neither speedy nor economical. Upkeep on such an ancient vehicle must cost a
fortune. Besides, strapping the massive contraption to the backs of unsuspecting flying
deer could definitely qualify as animal abuse. Again with the fitness craze, it
would make much more sense that Santa would want to whiz around on a flying bicycle like
that one that soared in front of the moon in the movie "ET." The extra
weight of the presents would surely produce a killer workout -- not unlike the one I get
traipsing around New York with my over-stuffed backpack.
Speaking of the reindeer, they need updated names. No, we are not going to stick
them with those artsy-fartsy names of the 21st century (sorry, Ashley-Alexis and Madison).
Rather, let's give them names to which people can at least relate. Rudolf is too
elaborate. Let's deem him something simple like Larry, for his nose should be the
focal point of his existence, not his name. Dasher and Dancer sound like a couple of
Rockettes most men would be dying to date. Let's call them Jackson and Zorro.
Prancer reminds me of wallpaper salesman or interior decorator. He'll now be Bob.
What's up with Vixen? Again, the Rockette image. If we want to keep the
stylish "V," let us vie for one of my favorite names: Veronica. Comet and
Cupid are much too Frank Zappa-ey. Give them simple yet charming names like Joe and
Ollie. Finally, Blitzen sounds like a German war machine. He needs a friendly
name like Nancy.
So there you have it. Santa 2002 in a protein-rich, unsalted nutshell. Although
other changes may be abound, there is one thing that should remain constant -- don't
forget the Thank You note. You can, however, feel free to save the postage and
simply e-mail it on over to the now high-tech North Pole.____
Visit - www.ryngargulinski.com.
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